And that would be great news if it was you. But what do you do if it's your ex who's moved on first?
We have all been there. A relationship ends usually in tears and numerous fights. And while that hurts, it's nothing compared to the call that you are eventually going to get -one that whispers that your ex has found love again. Whether it's weeks or months, seeing your ex with someone new can (and usually does) pinch. Jealousy, anxiety, bitterness and sleeplessness nights follow.
We don't need experts to tell us this: most of these reactions stem from a bruised ego (how did s/he manage to move on so quickly, right?). However, while a little hurt is expected and normal, if you are consumed by the new relationship stalking them on Facebook, goad ing common friends into talking about them, gloating when they say the new love isn't as good as you -you need to face up to the fact that you are probably not over the relationship.
If that's the boat you find yourself in, Mumbai-based counsellor Dr Rajan Bhonsle says the first step is to accept that the relationship is over. This should have ideally begun when the relationship actually ended. "Once you have formally broken up, the relationship doesn't exist. If you cannot accept it, and feel hurt, rejection and resentment, then you are expecting a reunion. Chances are you will feel hurt at the mention of the ex, if you see him with his new love, or even if you come across his photos or letters."
Face the grieving process. Give yourself a few weeks to heal. "If it takes many months, you should realise that you are stuck and unable to release your emotions," he adds.
Don't reconnect
If they are only just in the dating stages it's unlikely that your ex-partner is going to call you. However, if you have been married or have a child together, or s/he is planning to commit more seriously, there's a good chance they'd want to be the first to tell you.
Recently, 36-year-old actor Hollywood Ashton Kutcher called exwife Demi Moore to let her know that he and fiancee Milla Kuni are expect ing a child. Given the bitter nature of their break-up, counsellors say Kutcher's behaviour was uncalled for. Re-connecting with an ex is best avoided. Bhonsle says, "If your ex is trying to reconnect, it means he/she is trying to show off his/her new status. When we counsel couples, we suggest the split is complete and clean." This means getting rid of their gifts, photographs, letters, messages and anything that reminds you of them. Not doing this, says Bhonsle, only delays the healing process.
Along with breaking it off with your partner, cut off links with common friends -for a while at least. Unfriend them on all social networking sites. If you bump into them, say a polite hello and walk away. Your aim is to not allow any information about the lovebirds to leak into your life.
Meet new people
The first reaction when you hear of an ex's new love is to drown the sorrow in alcohol and throw yourself at the first person who says hello. While that's not advisable, there's some real direction here.
Your former lover finding a new love is probably the best sign you are ever going to get that this relationship is over. So, why not go out and meet some new men/women?
That guy who has been asking you on a date forever? This might be a good time to say yes. It doesn't have to lead anywhere or end in an ever-lasting relationship, but you need to get out there, have a good time and start feeling attractive again.
Considering kids
Relationships that have gone sour get further complicated when children and new lovers are thrown into the mix.
If you thought it would be easier if you allow your kids to first accept the second partner, then, says psychologist and coun sellor Salma Prabhu, you are living in a filmy bubble. "That's not how it works in real life since both the ex and the new partner have a lot of emotions to deal with. Keeping the children away from the new partner is a good step till you and they are ready," she advises.
Once you have made your peace with the situation, try and meet the new man/woman in your ex's life. Arrange for a lunch/dinner at your place or theirs. Getting along with the person your ex is dating makes life easier for everyone involved.
BDST: 1559 HRS, JULY-03, 2014
